Gay Niggers from Outer Space
Created in 1992 by Danish filmmaker Morten Lindberg with the intention of satirizing blaxploitation and sci-fi films, the mix in this film creates the most offensive, hilarious movie I’ve seen yet. It’s so over the top it can’t even be offensive. It includes scenes of fisting the disembodied Holy Anus to find the “Gay Ambassador” who will lead the men of Earth in their new woman-free utopia. The Aliens from Anus eradicate all women from the planet to free Earth men from oppression of the smelly females of Earth, vowing to free all men from female oppression on every planet.
With names such as Sergeant Shaved Balls, there is nothing but hilariousness ahead. In the end, you see a women-free Earth with men all relaxing, swimming, and at peace. With such scenes as the baptism of the new Gay Ambassador with the Gay Nigger Seed, it’s impossible not to laugh outright. This move has brought new levels of epicness to the B-movie genre. All in all, I give it two fists up.
Barbarella
This. This is my favorite movie of all time. Barbarella is sent to find Durand Durand and his weapon, the positronic ray, and save the universe from war. She’s from a time where weapons and war are unheard of until now. She must go to this planet that there is little knowledge of. She ends up crash-landing, and her first experience is being abducted by creepy twins and being set upon by carnivorous dolls. She’s saved by a native male. She asks how she can thank him for saving her life and transporting her. He says she can let him make love to her. On Earth they have sex by taking pills and no touching except for the poor, as sex was found to be “distracting.” So he shows her what sex is. Barbarella is left singing, smiling, high, and amorous off her first real sexual experience. She leaves floating on air and grateful.
Barbarella continues to find herself in many adventures and challenges, including being kidnapped and placed in a so-called torture device that responds to music playing and is supposed to make people cum to death. However, with Barbarella’s newfound experience, she breaks the machine. She also meets up with an angel, who is kidnapped by a female supremacist, and many more colorful creatures. The sets are amazing and the costumes fun. Barbarella has been written off as a horrible movie, but to me it’s a classic.
Sharknado
The awfulness of this movie knows no bounds. Yes, the title says it all. There are water spouts filled with sharks—sharknadoes—which turn into a double deadly nightmare in the hurricane as the water rises, bringing sharks into flooded households as well. The main characters include a man rescuing his wife, from whom he is separated, George, and a girl, Nova, among others. Nova has been attracted to George but realizes he’s still in love with his ex-wife. She meets Matt, George’s ex-wife’s son, and they fall for each other.
Matt and Nova decide to make homemade bombs and drop them in the sharknadoes to disperse them. During one of the flights Nova falls out of the helicopter and directly into the mouth of a shark. Matt is devastated. As he completes his bombing mission and all of the sharknadoes have been terminated, a giant shark heads right for him, landing from the sky. Chainsaw in hand he leaps into the shark, tearing through the other side, and emerges with an unconscious Nova. Yes, this is the very shark she landed in from the helicopter. She regains consciousness, George rescues and rekindles his relationship with his ex, and all look out into the horizon and splattered sharks across the way.
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You do realize that Sharknado has a sequel right?
Two fists way up….I still remember Siskel and Ebert you twisted lunatics! I’ll never be able to sleep again!